Lately, the mood at HQ has been rather subdued. The girls and I have spent the last two weeks listlessly looking at one another, reading, re-reading. Thinking. We’ve tried to goad each other into innuendo or entendre (single or double) or even a simple “That’s what she said!”, but to no avail.
Trying to find the bright spot in cycling these days is like attempting to locate the
G-spot, and everyone from your mother to the postman has an opinion. Legions of faithful believers swear it’s there. Others think there may be something to the concept but perhaps a bit more…research is in order. And of course, there are those who’ve just been waiting for the chance to call you a damned fool for believing it existed in the first place.
Though it’s true that getting onto the podium is one of the more effective ways of getting onto BDIPC’s radar, Bangability is not solely calculated by how many times a Dude stands atop the rostrum. It is measured also by the depth of his integrity, the ways in which he demonstrates good sportsmanship, and the respect he is regarded with among both the fans and his peers. These qualities are what defines not only Bangability, but lie at the very heart of the sport we so love.
We walk away from the last two weeks surrounded by asterisks, which I will never be able to disassociate from Kurt Vonnegut’s doodle of his asshole. Le mot juste, non? Especially since all of this has felt just like hearing “Oops! Wrong hole,” from a Dude who knew exactly what he was doing. We can name very few types of Dudes less Bangable than a Dude who bullies, cheats, and manipulates his way to…well, wherever he wants. It’s practically enough to make us go full Lysistrata.
No matter the venue, we at BDIPC are uninterested in Dudes who cannot perform without enhancement. Much like faking an orgasm, a doped win teaches a Dude nothing about what it really takes to pull it off. Let us leave the bitter, heavy past behind and carry with us all we know now. It’s time for a new direction in professional cycling.