Bangable Dudes in Pro Cycling, Year One: Part Two of a Two-Part Review.

It’s fairly brutal to have to take an honest look back at everyone you’ve slept with written about for an entire year. It’s also fairly exhausting. One could say that the girls of BDIPC have been, in a way, riding our own very personal Tour de France. See, if you look at the calorie output of 109 sessions at about 30-45 minutes apiece (there were repeats, yes) with 89 Dudes and do the math…well, it’s somewhere between 9,000 and 14,000 calories, which is…about a single stage’s worth of calorie output. Nevertheless, the chafing! the saddle sores! the oxygen deprivation! the needing of a sandwich after dismounting for the day! Those are just a few things BDIPC can empathize with. It’s a rest day, you’re just lying around, so why don’t we get down with the second half of BDIPC’s first year?

Ryan Knapp: The girls of BDIPC recently got to enjoy the pleasure of Ryan’s company…in the flesh. Lean, tan, he’s looking like a man. Our time together was all too brief, but suffice it to say that road season suits him. Bangability is up.

Jakob Fuglsang: Jakob’s currently being screwed by RSNT. BDIPC postpones his Bangability evaluation until he can concentrate on doing the screwing.

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Stephen Cummings: Returning from a pelvis injury is never an easy thing, but there he is at the TdF. Schleck the younger, take notice: There’s a lot to learn from Cummings’ recovery. Bangability is up.

Giampaolo Caruso: Truthfully, we love having him in our list of Have-Done because there’s a joke about not Russian the spicy Italian sausage in there somewhere, y’know? Bangability holds steady, if only because we love the way Giampaolo rolls off our tongues.

Thomas Löfkvist: After a 2011 full of possibilities (Giro team leader, etc), 2012 has been quieter for Lövkvist. It seems as if he’s taken a backseat to the rest of Team Sky’s flash and bang, but that’s right where we want him. Bangability holds steady.

Tony Martin: Tony Martin can’t quit going down. On one hand, we feel terrible for him. Rehabilitation is never fun, and that requiring bed rest that you can’t do anything FUN during? Sigh. On the other hand, we feel terrible for us. Have you seen him in that white skinsuit? HAVE YOU?! Bangability is up!

Ted King: Recently screwed out of racing the TdF, Ted seems like he’s ready to get back in the saddle. What’s more, he took it like a Dude. Bangability is up.

Niels Albert: It’s true what they say: Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Can’t wait to see you, Niels. Bangability is up, up, up.

Christian Heule: The girls of BDIPC are truly sorry that we will not see Mr. Heule racing this September, but we do hope to see him, regardless. He retires with an honorable discharge: Mr. Heule is now a member of the BDIPC Hall of Fame.

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Tim Johnson: Any excuse to run this photo again.

Christian Knees: Thanks to his position as one of WIggins’ faithful lieutenants, we’ve gotten to look at him plenty. And just look at him! Though his decision to sport a base layer in the mountains of France is as far from the spirit of BDIPC as a Dude can get, Christian’s Bangability holds steady.

Chris Jones: We haven’t seen near enough of Jonesy since CX season ended. Bangability unable to be evaluated, so it holds steady.

Jake Wells: Near-daily is the frequency at which we wish we were livin’ the dream with Jake. His snapshots of bowls of cherries, swimming holes, well, let’s just say we’ve been reading between the lines! Bangability is up.

Sven Nys: Earning his ticket to the Olympics under very “wet and slippery circumstances”, we are very much looking forward to seeing what he pulls out on the MTB course. Bangability is up.

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Zdenek Stybar: Passed over for the Olympics, Stybar kept his cool and went on to win the third stage at Tour de Pologne. Road suits you, Styby. Bangability is up.

Matthew Knight: We can’t find even a single photograph to remind us of how hot he was at CXWorlds. Was it only the jet lag? We hope not, but we can all agree that if he can’t even hold brainspace for half a year, Bangability must be down.

Rob Peeters: Bangability holds steady, if only because his performances during CX season were, indeed, enduring. Also, “Peeters”. Heh heh.

Marcel Meisen: Out of sight, out of mind, they say. Bangability is down, we suppose.

Francis Mourey: Biding his time, waiting for CX season to start. We know how you feel, Francis. Oh, do we. Bangability holds steady.

Kevin Pauwels: It’s not that he looks as if he’s having the time of his life while racing CX, it’s that he’s looked so miserable in all the photos we’ve seen of him in road races. As if someone had to coax him onto his bike. We don’t want to have to do any convincing when it comes to throwing a leg over, so Bangability is down.

Jamey Driscoll: Forget everything you remember about Jamey’s Bieber-esque swoosh of hair, because he’s now sporting a Karpets-style mullet. Is this where we make the drapes matching the Karpets joke? Who cares! Bangability i