Bangable Dudes in pro Cycling

Though the girls of BDIPC are nowhere near over CX season, Belgium’s opening weekend is waiting patiently outside HQ with a waffle iron and a sixer of Jupiler, and, well, as we often say here at HQ, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. And road season is well underway now that Omloop Het Nieuwsblad and Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne are here. These equally exciting, yet very different courses kick off Classics season with the just kind of bang we like best. And since Belgium so generously packs two of our favorites into a single weekend, we figured we’d return the favor by packing two of our favorite Dudes in, too. Into a single post, we mean.

Lately, the mood at HQ has been rather subdued. The girls and I have spent the last two weeks listlessly looking at one another, reading, re-reading. Thinking. We’ve tried to goad each other into innuendo or entendre (single or double) or even a simple “That’s what she said!”, but to no avail.

Trying to find the bright spot in cycling these days is like attempting to locate the
G-spot, and everyone from your mother to the postman has an opinion. Legions of faithful believers swear it’s there. Others think there may be something to the concept but perhaps a bit more…research is in order. And of course, there are those who’ve just been waiting for the chance to call you a damned fool for believing it existed in the first place.

Though it’s true that getting onto the podium is one of the more effective ways of getting onto BDIPC’s radar, Bangability is not solely calculated by how many times a Dude stands atop the rostrum. It is measured also by the depth of his integrity, the ways in which he demonstrates good sportsmanship, and the respect he is regarded with among both the fans and his peers. These qualities are what defines not only Bangability, but lie at the very heart of the sport we so love.

We walk away from the last two weeks surrounded by asterisks, which I will never be able to disassociate from Kurt Vonnegut’s doodle of his asshole. Le mot juste, non? Especially since all of this has felt just like hearing “Oops! Wrong hole,” from a Dude who knew exactly what he was doing. We can name very few types of Dudes less Bangable than a Dude who bullies, cheats, and manipulates his way to…well, wherever he wants. It’s practically enough to make us go full Lysistrata.

No matter the venue, we at BDIPC are uninterested in Dudes who cannot perform without enhancement. Much like faking an orgasm, a doped win teaches a Dude nothing about what it really takes to pull it off. Let us leave the bitter, heavy past behind and carry with us all we know now. It’s time for a new direction in professional cycling.

How lovely it is to have the girls of BDIPC together again at HQ! We’ve been spending our reunion week tiptoeing around our fearless founder’s unexpectedly severe jetlag, waiting for actual 35mm film to be developed, perfecting our waffles, and watching the replay of Worlds on repeat. Much of our time together has been engaged in debating the finer details of when it’s better to experience Koksijde in the flesh versus when it’s preferable to enjoy Koksijde at your bedside. You know, the kind of Koksijde you can turn off and stow away. Are you picking up what we’re putting down?

Experiencing Koksijde in the flesh is not to be missed, but we know the majority of you were unable to make the trip. Understandable: There were times when HQ seemed like the only place to be, too. But BDIPC is used to going the distance, so we did it foryou. And we did it all night. We did it over the ocean. In planes, on trains. In the sand and in the mud, on no sleep and in our sleep. We did it in cars and in vans, on couches and in borrowed, shared beds. We did it in strange hotels in multiple countries, and then we did it all the way back again. Today, we bring you the first in a series of three of BDIPC’s favorite Dudes of the 2012 Cyclocross World Championships.

Rob Peeters

BDIPC knows that the man on top is generally not the guy you want to bring home that night. The first finisher? Nee dank je. We’re interested in the man who comes second. Though he had a solid 2011/12 season, we can’t recall a performance as memorable as this from Peeters. He seems to have blown it all at Worlds, too, as we haven’t seen one like it since then. But we’ll accept that. In fact, we can relate to putting it all out there for an…opportunity that may never present itself again. See, if the tables were turned, we’d take him up on it. Because BDIPC’s pretty sure that Rob’s the kind of guy that’d make sure we came first.

Tune in tomorrow and Sunday post-Middelkerke and Heuts for the second and third installments of our Worlds (un)coverage, and don’t forget to send us your thoughts on ‘cross. Hashtag your tweets with #BDIPC, find us on Facebook, send us an email, use a skywriter. After this weekend, our regular Thursday post will be the Top Ten Most Bangable of 2011/12 CX, and that’ll be your last shot until August. Use it wisely. 

Few things are as titillating as a secret dalliance. Every rendezvous makes your heart race in anticipation. Soon. Time slows to a crawl when you’re away from each other, and when finally you’re together everything shifts into warp speed. Don’t close your eyes. All of your senses are heightened, and every time you touch it feels like something you’ve got to remember. Please, God, don’t let me forget this. And before you know it, you’re saying goodbye and regretting all you didn’t do. Next time, darling, I promise.

And though getting caught seems to be part of the deal, there are ways to circumnavigate that, too. No matter how subtle you think you’re being, you’re not. Almost everyone speaks fluent body language. Trust no one. And though the loinsheart wants what it wants, if you have a choice, choose a Dude on the edge of the limelight. Instead of Sven Nys, say, why not Sven Vanthourenhout? You won’t even have to learn a new name to scream.

Making his debut half a lifetime ago, Sven burst onto the cyclocross scene when he stormed to victory at Belgian CX Nationals three times running, and he’s hardly slowed down since. A Dude for all seasons, he’s shown his prowess in the road season as well. We do love a Dude who knows how to, ahem, work a crit. But what truly caught our eye was last season’s post-Worlds win at Maldegem, a place that holds a special memory or two in the minds of the girls of BDIPC. (Don’t get excited, loves. Ladies never tell…that we left our converter there. Oops.)

Forgetful though we may be, one thing we’ll never forget are the feverish details of a fiery tryst. No one knows us here. But even if it happened, keeping it between the two of us is, well, unspoken. Shhh. Don’t wake the others. Trust us, keeping a secret is twice as good as selling your story. One more time before I have to go. Because once it’s all over, the memory is the last thing-and sometimes the only thing-you’ll share.Sven will we be together again? And in its own way, just the knowing…well, that feels as good as money in the spank bank.

It’s fairly brutal to have to take an honest look back at everyone you’ve slept with written about for an entire year. It’s also fairly exhausting. One could say that the girls of BDIPC have been, in a way, riding our own very personal Tour de France. See, if you look at the calorie output of 109 sessions at about 30-45 minutes apiece (there were repeats, yes) with 89 Dudes and do the math…well, it’s somewhere between 9,000 and 14,000 calories, which is…about a single stage’s worth of calorie output. Nevertheless, the chafing! the saddle sores! the oxygen deprivation! the needing of a sandwich after dismounting for the day! Those are just a few things BDIPC can empathize with. It’s a rest day, you’re just lying around, so why don’t we get down with the second half of BDIPC’s first year?

Ryan Knapp: The girls of BDIPC recently got to enjoy the pleasure of Ryan’s company…in the flesh. Lean, tan, he’s looking like a man. Our time together was all too brief, but suffice it to say that road season suits him. Bangability is up.

Jakob Fuglsang: Jakob’s currently being screwed by RSNT. BDIPC postpones his Bangability evaluation until he can concentrate on doing the screwing.

Stephen Cummings: Returning from a pelvis injury is never an easy thing, but there he is at the TdF. Schleck the younger, take notice: There’s a lot to learn from Cummings’ recovery. Bangability is up.

Giampaolo Caruso: Truthfully, we love having him in our list of Have-Done because there’s a joke about not Russian the spicy Italian sausage in there somewhere, y’know? Bangability holds steady, if only because we love the way Giampaolo rolls off our tongues.

Thomas Löfkvist: After a 2011 full of possibilities (Giro team leader, etc), 2012 has been quieter for Lövkvist. It seems as if he’s taken a backseat to the rest of Team Sky’s flash and bang, but that’s right where we want him. Bangability holds steady.

Tony Martin: Tony Martin can’t quit going down. On one hand, we feel terrible for him. Rehabilitation is never fun, and that requiring bed rest that you can’t do anything FUN during? Sigh. On the other hand, we feel terrible for us. Have you seen him in that white skinsuit? HAVE YOU?! Bangability is up!

Ted King: Recently screwed out of racing the TdF, Ted seems like he’s ready to get back in the saddle. What’s more, he took it like a Dude. Bangability is up.

Niels Albert: It’s true what they say: Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Can’t wait to see you, Niels. Bangability is up, up, up.

Christian Heule: The girls of BDIPC are truly sorry that we will not see Mr. Heule racing this September, but we do hope to see him, regardless. He retires with an honorable discharge: Mr. Heule is now a member of the BDIPC Hall of Fame.

Tim Johnson: Any excuse to run this photo again.

Christian Knees: Thanks to his position as one of WIggins’ faithful lieutenants, we’ve gotten to look at him plenty. And just look at him! Though his decision to sport a base layer in the mountains of France is as far from the spirit of BDIPC as a Dude can get, Christian’s Bangability holds steady.

Chris Jones: We haven’t seen near enough of Jonesy since CX season ended. Bangability unable to be evaluated, so it holds steady.

Jake Wells: Near-daily is the frequency at which we wish we were livin’ the dream with Jake. His snapshots of bowls of cherries, swimming holes, well, let’s just say we’ve been reading between the lines! Bangability is up.

Sven Nys: Earning his ticket to the Olympics under very “wet and slippery circumstances”, we are very much looking forward to seeing what he pulls out on the MTB course. Bangability is up.

Zdenek Stybar: Passed over for the Olympics, Stybar kept his cool and went on to win the third stage at Tour de Pologne. Road suits you, Styby. Bangability is up.

Matthew Knight: We can’t find even a single photograph to remind us of how hot he was at CXWorlds. Was it only the jet lag? We hope not, but we can all agree that if he can’t even hold brainspace for half a year, Bangability must be down.

Rob Peeters: Bangability holds steady, if only because his performances during CX season were, indeed, enduring. Also, “Peeters”. Heh heh.

Marcel Meisen: Out of sight, out of mind, they say. Bangability is down, we suppose.

Francis Mourey: Biding his time, waiting for CX season to start. We know how you feel, Francis. Oh, do we. Bangability holds steady.

Kevin Pauwels: It’s not that he looks as if he’s having the time of his life while racing CX, it’s that he’s looked so miserable in all the photos we’ve seen of him in road races. As if someone had to coax him onto his bike. We don’t want to have to do any convincing when it comes to throwing a leg over, so Bangability is down.

Jamey Driscoll: Forget everything you remember about Jamey’s Bieber-esque swoosh of hair, because he’s now sporting a Karpets-style mullet. Is this where we make the drapes matching the Karpets joke? Who cares! Bangability i