We’ve been a bit fragile lately. We haven’t been sleeping well, to be honest. We hit ‘publish’ on the Lombardia post and something felt unfinished. Our friends trotted out “But it’s CX season!” and it felt exactly like getting hit on by someone you’ve just told you recently became single. Too. Soon. The worst breakups are the ones that don’t feel like breakups, aren’t they? You can’t stay together, but it’s far from over when you walk out the door. So let’s take a couple of shots of whiskey, have a good fight, have some make-up sex and then say “Yeah…maybe in a few months.” There’s no use in walking away feeling low. We’ve said it before, and we stand by it: The only way to get over someone is to get under someone.
When it came down to it, though, we weren’t sure who to call. So we put our phones in the center of the table and we scrolled and we made fun of each other and we sent fake text messages to freak each other out. And when it was all said and done, we had a perfect Trinity of Bangability. We’d like to say we regret announcing we lack jerseys to award, but doesn’t giving our Most Bangable Pros of 2011 more clothing feel counterintuitive? So we’ve subbed in big silver trophies filled with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles. We trust our Dudes will know exactly what to do with that. Bangable Dudes in Pro Cycling presents BDIPC’s Road Racing World Champions of Bangability 2011: Performance, Panache & Popularity.
Performance: Tony Martin
BDIPC knows well that life isn’t fair. But we find it especially cruel that season-long secret crush Tony Martin can be such a phenomenal athlete but not be able to simultaneously control his facial expression. We thought the talented German engineers would have taken care of that in some way, shape or form. But we want you to forget that fixed-eye, dropped jaw Tony Martin you think you know and just look at him on the podium. Listen, okay? We’re going to let you in on a thing we’ve done when the visual is secondary. We’ve dubbed it ‘Lights Out, From Behind’. We’re going to pre-emptively enact LOFB with Mr. Martin, but we all know how much Dudes love it when you twist around for a little eye contact. We’ll use that as a reference point, and if indeed Tony wears the same face while that particular sort of physical exertion is occurring, well, then we know. Look, no one crushed the competition this year like freshly crowned UCI World Champion Tony Martin. We had a hard time even finding a photo of him where he wasn’t on either the bike or the podium. No one outperformed you, Tony, and that plus that lower lip that we’re dying to bite gently as we pull back from a kiss just adds up to you being a deserving Most Bangable Pro of 2011.
Panache: Fabian Cancellara
Little-known fun fact about the girls of BDIPC: We’re into etymology. There are strange and wonderful stories behind each word, and panache is no exception. The word panache descends from the Latin pinna (peak) via confusion with penna (wing), but it didn’t mean swagger until someone translated Cyrano de Bergerac that way right before the beginning of the 20th century. Whether you define it as being the best, riding the fastest, or being the man with the most swagger, no one embodied panache during the 2011 season like BDIPC Hall of Famer Fabian Cancellara. Fabs is sexy and he knows it, but-here’s the key-he isn’t a Cavendouche about it. He’s humble when he takes the win, and he’s gracious when he loses to a stronger man. And when you never have to be afraid of how a Dude’s going to react to defeat, you can relax and really enjoy whatever he’s bringing to the floor that day. Fabian, you were and are one of our very favorite Dudes in the peloton. You remain dignified even when sending out the most garbled of Fabianese, and that takes something special. And as one of our Most Bangable Pros of 2011, we at BDIPC would be more than happy to assist you in your ascent to our favorite peak.
Popularity: Ted King
While BDIPC is indeed a monarchy, we are a benevolent monarchy. We know that none of this would happen without you, sweet readers, and so when we were scrolling through each other’s contact lists, we asked you to figuratively throw yours in, too. As we read through the submissions, we found no shockers. See, since the moment we began soliciting suggestions way back when, the name Ted King kept popping up. Now, these weren’t woo-girls like the Jakob Fuglsang Fan Club, but they were consistent. And the more we learned about Ted King, the fonder we were of him. Ted King has a cause, a sense of humor and he’s a little bit domesticated, which we love. A man who can cook and bake? Bring it, Teddy. In what is surprisingly not a euphemism, the oven at BDIPC HQ is almost always preheated. This summer we conquered leavened breads, so we know a thing or two about getting soft items to double in size. Ahem. Anyway, Ted, we’re always looking to experiment with how much better we can make it rise, and we know you’re into getting down in the kitchen. Consider this a standing invitation to swing by BDIPC HQ, because there’s nothing we’d love more than to heat it up with one of our Most Bangable Pros of 2011.
So there you have it, folks. We’ve reached the, um, end of the 2011 road racing season. It is finished, neatly packaged, tied up with a jaunty little bow. We’re over it, we’re out from under it, and we know, we know that we missed some of your requests, but fear not! The 2012 season is really only just a couple of months away. In the meantime, we’ll be diving headfirst into CX season, both domestic and international, and you know how much we love those dirty men. And we never, ever get tired of hearing your voices. E-mail us, hashtag your tweets with #bdipc, find us on Facebook, reblog to your heart’s content, come find us at races. We love seeing your faces so much! Here’s to you, BDIPC readers worldwide: Having you behind us makes our hearts pound like the Hammer of Thor. And you know how exactly how hard Thor pounds. Sláinte, darlings!