#BDIPC

It feels as though Classics season’s only just passed, gone like a one-night stand ghosts in the morning. But out of sight, out of mind, and like the rest of the world, we at BDIPC have Grand Tour season firmly fixed in our sights. And as we’ve become accustomed to fitting it in every morning–the Giro, loves–we’ve been going deep. Italy’s ever-wet weather has put us in the mood, you know? We’ve been reflecting on the astounding depth and breadth–girth, perhaps–of a Grand Tour Dude’s…character. Let’s talk bonifications, shall we? 

Like many of the Dudes on our have-done list, Mark Cavendish’s love affair with cycling came early in life and on a mountain bike. Dominant from the very start, he turned pro in 2005. His first major wins came during his breakthrough road season in 2007. Then, in 2008, Wiggins launched him Madison-style into the big leagues. But unlike Wiggins, who cannot go down to save his life, Cav has shown us that he can both go down and hammer it out. He took his first Grand Tour stages in the 2008 season riding for HTC, and he’s been fine-tuning his post-ups ever since. Cav started his 2013 off with a bang, winning the Tour of Qatar decisively. He followed it up with a mediocre Classics season, but we had faith that once the Giro arrived, we’d see the dominant & confident Cav we know & love. He did not disappoint: In typical fashion, he took stage one of the Giro to become the first in the pink this season. And he has continued to assert that dominance–yesterday, he took his 100th career win in a very wet, very fast finish; today, his 101st. 

It’s true that it took us almost two years to come around about Cav. When BDIPC began, we’d all but written him off as a cocky, self-absorbed ass. But it takes one to know one, and as we sang Sagan’s praises earlier this season, we realized the massive miss we’d made on the Manx Missile. Without him, we cannot imagine flamboyant post-ups, post-race interview tantrums, or a single glamour girl giving a spandex-suited Dude so much as a second glance. And speaking of: Even if you can’t get behind Cav, you can’t argue with Peta’s…abundant finish-line enthusiasms. Enthusiasm. Singular. Her support is truly second-to-none. She’s BDIPC’s favorite WAG by a looong shot, and it is our opinion that she’s the best evidence of Cav’s most Bangable quality. Keeping a lady of that magnitude around is proof of some massive…skills, and when it comes right down to it, it’s the skills that pay the bills. So bring the pain, Cav. Make. It. Rain. 

The ink is dry, we’ve got it on lock, and we can’t wait to tell you…but we must. Five months on, every day’s been worth the wait. Soon.

After the shenanigans on the RVV podium, we at BDIPC have been finding it hard (or not-so, depending on your POV) to summon up the enthusiasm to put out. But much like an unexpected erection, inspiration pops up when and where it is ready, and one must be prepared to grasp it at any moment. So when we read this: 

…our fists clenched in anticipation and glee, because the only thing we love better than writing dick jokes is arguing with French housewives. 

Now, we speculated last year upon the care and feeding of Voeckler’s tongue. But in order for you, SAHMs of France, to make an informed decision, we felt it only fair to give Sylvain Chavanel an equal amount of inches. Column inches, of course. (That doesn’t make it sound less sexual, does it? Damn.)

We can’t say that we make a habit out of starting palmares-measuring contests, but we simply cannot resist holding Sylvain’s five National titles against Tommy’s lack thereof. We’re not saying, we’re just saying…that we appreciate a Dude who’s proven himself to be the best at what he does. And not to belabor the point, but Sylvain’s coming into the 2013 season hot after his successful defense at Driedaagse van De Panne. On the entirely superficial side, we suggest giving a bit of a think to Chavanel’s nickname: “la Machine”, given on account of his exceptional stamina and determination. Really, no matter how dextrous the Dude, we at BDIPC rarely turn down a mechanical assist, and let’s be honest! You don’t, either.

So. Bzzz. Back on topic. On second thought, perhaps we’ve been a little too stubborn. In fact, Mesdames, you can forget everything we’ve said. Bzzz! You can keep Voeckler, that sweet little gassy cabbage. That’s fine. We’ve got our hands full with all these parts, and we’re finding ourselves unable to think of anything but hardware. Bzzz. Do you think maintenance is more complicated than applying a bit of lube now and then? Bzzzzz! Because we at BDIPC currently have more than enough. Now! If you’ll excuse us, it’s time for us to figure out what this Machine can do. 

We will be fully engaged during the Ardennes classics, and invite your take on who 2013’s Most Bangable has been thus far. Tweet us here or hashtag #BDIPC; it’s been a while! Our take on the Ronde podium can be found here. À bientôt!

There’s no denying it now: It is well and truly road season. The girls of BDIPC have eased back into the swing of things by enjoying the first of the stage races in Paris-Nice and Tirreno-Adriatico, and we now find ourselves anxiously anticipating Milan-San Remo, the first Monument of the season. Monday, we watched Peter Sagan outsprint Nibali and Purito after conquering the #sadomaso climbs that defeated so many, and though we watched him win atop many a mountain last seas on, it finally broke the spell. We realized that we’ve been placing an unfair amount of emphasis on the Dudes who excel at getting (it) up, and we have completely neglected the Dudes who descend like our panties in the presence of pros. But as any Dude can tell you, lacking the skills to go down successfully may make a moot point out of how well he got up there in the first place.

Though he must also be strong, Milan-San Remo is the rare course where how a Dude goes down is more important than how well he climbs. None of the peaks are terribly long or awfully hard; rather, it is the descents of le Mànie, the Cipressa, and the Poggio that will show us which of them are truly capital-D Dudes. When the bunch turns west, the scent of the ocean will fill their lungs for the rest of the race, and we at BDIPC suppose that perhaps they should take their cues from that olfactory memory. Going down–descending–is an equal mix of technical knowledge and innate ability, an intuition, a way of using not only one’s eyes and hands, but also reading the road’s reactions, its responses to one’s particular method of handling. A Dude must never become complacent, because the smallest error may bring him to a complete standstill, and momentum means everything when it comes to this, one day, one shot. 

In the world according to BDIPC, this Dude has already earned his upper-case D, and so we are looking forward to many, many more years of objectifying Sagan and his skills. Yet some take issue with Sagan. They see his victory celebrations as immature braggadocio, whereas we read them as a deserved display of unbridled emotion. Besides, the implication of inexperience that comes with chalking his behavior up to his youth seems unnecessarily dismissive. See, the 2013 season is young, yet Sagan has already bested Cavendish in a sprint finish, won two stages apiece at the Tour of Oman and Tirreno-Adriatico, taken second place at Strade Bianche, and now he is heading into Milan-San Remo as the odds-on favorite. In fact, the only thing Peter’s gotten wrong so far this year was his victory salute in Porto Sant’Elpido. But as ever, we’d be pleased to help right that wrong by conducting a complete appreciation of each of his appendages. All five of them. 

BDIPC is off to NYC for a little unsanctioned fun this weekend. See you back in Belgium for E3, Gent-Wevelgem, and Ronde van Vlaanderen. 

Though the girls of BDIPC are nowhere near over CX season, Belgium’s opening weekend is waiting patiently outside HQ with a waffle iron and a sixer of Jupiler, and, well, as we often say here at HQ, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone. And road season is well underway now that Omloop Het Nieuwsblad and Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne are here. These equally exciting, yet very different courses kick off Classics season with the just kind of bang we like best. And since Belgium so generously packs two of our favorites into a single weekend, we figured we’d return the favor by packing two of our favorite Dudes in, too. Into a single post, we mean. 

This week, everyone who’s anyone is on their way to the Derby City for the 2013 Cyclocross World Championships. With its bourbon bars, the nation’s only dedicated cyclocross venue, and the thousands of majestically muscular beasts that are just rarin’ to get between one’s legs, Louisville is truly the stuff that fantasies are made of. But much like high-strung and well-hung racehorses, our focus is on one specific job and our…palates, as it were…are extremely sensitive. So it should go without saying that the girls of BDIPC aren’t generally swayed by the various forms of persuasion extended to us by hopeful Dudes. But when our good friend Molly Hurford at Cyclocross Magazine sent over this outtake from her interview with Danny Summerhill, resistance was futile. 

We at BDIPC have always had a bit of a soft spot for the dark horse, and if any Dude racing for the USA fills that particular niche, it’s most certainly Danny. Picked by many as a likely discretionary selection before Nationals, his odds looked long even as we considered his multiple National cyclocross titles and the immeasurable number of, ah, podiums under his belt. Anyway, like us, luck was a lady, and like us, the USAC decided to roll Danny’s dice. But no matter what happens during the main event, Danny’s penchant for making questionable decisions in the heat of the moment makes our thoughts slide right past Sunday afternoon directly into Sunday night, when “long shot” will take on a completely different meaning. 

BDIPC will be reppin’ hard in Louisville. Catch us if you can, darlings. (We’re hard to miss.) But if you can’t find us at the races, you’ll definitely spot us at the #Louisville2013FOAMPARTY…we can’t WAIT to meet you! 

In cyclocross, as in road, as in life, there are the Dudes whose job it is to sacrifice a possible podium placing for the good of the more prominent Dude. On the road, they’re called domestiques, but at BDIPC HQ, we call them wingmen. Wingmen are the unsung heroes of every team, willing to go hard right from the gun on the belief that their Dude is the Dude most deserving of post-podium antics. They’re faithful, hardworking, and loyal. And though noble it may be, it became frustrating for the girls of BDIPC to watch Klaas Vantornout repeatedly blow his load far too early trying to wear the rest of the Dudes out on Kevin Pauwels’ behalf, especially as it became increasingly clear that a bit of role reversal was in order. But every night out has its end, and at last call, all bets are off. 

Though Klaas has been racing ‘cross for well over a decade, he truly only came into focus for us when he oh-so-gracefully went ass-over-teakettle at Ronse. There was something about the way he flew through the air that wet our whistles in a way we hadn’t felt in quite some time. So we kept our eyes out, then, for the big Dude in red and white. And when he held Nys off for the win at Gieten, we understood. Klaas hadn’t been blowing his load too early, after all. He was slowly building steam, letting the rest of the Dudes wear themselves out over time. He was waiting for the perfect time to peak: the Belgian National Cyclocross Championships. 

Now that Klaas has finally come out on top when it mattered, we’re left to wait and see if he’ll be able to keep it up long enough to make it all the way to Louisville in the shape he’s currently in. But right here, right now, it’s getting close to closing time. In typical fashion, the Dude of the hour left the bar long ago. The lights are coming up and those who have found themselves riding solo are milling around team parking, waiting for the sidewalk sale to begin. One of these, please! But you’ll have to tell us all about that tomorrow, won’t you? Because before you even noticed we were gone, we’d been getting Vantorn-up from the floor up for hours. Apparently Klaas isn’t the only one who’s peaking when it matters!

We at BDIPC believe the Women’s races are just as important and exciting to follow as the Dudes’. Unfortunately, the UCI doesn’t agree, which has resulted in many notable exclusions from European nations. Please show your support and join us in signing this petition. We’ve upped our standards, UCI. Now up yours! 

None of the girls of BDIPC will admit to being a sucker for overly romantic gestures, but long ago, we witnessed one we particularly appreciated. A woman wrote one thing she loved about her Dude on each page of a blank book. Though it was filled with charming, thoughtful, and largely boring items, there was one we remember in particular: The way your beard feels scratchy on my thighs. We’ll wait for a few moments for you to work through the tingles that word picture evokes. And although we at BDIPC still imagine that gift’s recipient and giver, you don’t have to. Allow us to introduce to you the follicularly-talented Dude that is Robert Marion. 

The northerly location of BDIPC HQ means that CX season is beard season. But for some reason, it remains rare to see a Dude at this level of competition sporting a beard we want to sink our fingers into. Why is that, exactly? Are the Dudes we know and love physically unable to sprout a beard that doesn’t look like they Mastik-ed their leg-shaving scraps onto their faces? Do they believe it’s not aerodynamic? Well, when Robert took the third step of the podium on the second day of the Chicago Cyclocross Cup’s New Year’s Resolution races last weekend, he put that idea to bed, and our minds quickly followed suit. After all, you know that we at BDIPC think there’s nothing like some truly majestic facial hair to make us think a Dude worthy of mounting our podium. (Those massive shoulders trying to bust out of his skinsuit don’t hurt either. Don’t be shy, shoulders. Come on out.)

Robert obviously knows how to dominate the CX field, but he’s also been a prominent fixture on the XC MTB scene for several years. This is a two-part bonus in our eyes: Not only is he experienced in getting down in the dirt, but he’s well-versed on getting down in the dirt for hours on end. Now, according to his USAC stats, our paths overlapped at both CrossVegas and Gloucester this year. We can’t imagine how we possibly could have overlooked this glorious DudeBeast twice in a single season, but forgive us our omissions. We’re hard at work, filling more than just a blank book with the things we like about Robert (and his) Redbeard. Like, could a river run through it? We wouldn’t mind finding out. 

The girls of BDIPC are off to #CXNats this weekend, after which we swear to give you that double-team we promised. Fingers crossed…! 

Oh, bike-racing Dudes. What’s not to love? We at BDIPC think bike-racing Dudes are the best kind of Dudes. We love them for their wide eyes, smooth thighs, and open minds. A sense of humor doesn’t hurt, either. And when, in the past, humor was what drew us to a particular Dude, it tended to be a very uncomplicated sort of humor. Safe, maybe. Or gentle, perhaps? Self-deprecating, at the very outside. Hardly a gamble, really. But today’s Dude, well. Today’s Dude plays an entirely different game. Let’s roll the dice.

If other Dudes’ humor is like a gentle punch in the arm, Michael Creed’s is like a well-aimed shot to the nuts. He curses. He’s vulgar! He’s offensive. And we love it. But there’s just something about his icy-blue glare that puts us on the defensive. It’s gotten to the point that simply knowing he’s nearby raises our hackles. We find ourselves inexplicably filled with the urge to go toe-to-toe with him all night long. But lest we give you the impression that he comes and he takes without giving, let us reassure you that it is, in fact, the opposite that is true. 

If you’re lucky enough to peel off the lycra, you’ll find Michael’s big heart on…his sleeve. For years, he’s been an honest and outspoken voice against doping in cycling. And after the devastating wildfires in Colorado last summer, Creed organized a massive auction that raised over $35,000 for the Red Cross. The Colorado Springs Independent picked him as one of their ”Best of 2012” in the freakin’ Personalities category. If it’s indeed true that the only thing ladies love more than a philanthropic Dude is a philanthropic Dude with personality, then our money’s on the prospect that Creed’s bad-boy cover won’t be the only thing blown before 2012 is out. Luck, be a filthy, sweaty Michael Creed on Optum’s CX roster next season a lady tonight. 

Next on BDIPC: We are off to the Caribbean to put the ‘ho’ back into the holidays. With no guarantees of consistent Internet access, you may have to wait until the new year for our write-up on BDIPC’s favorite set of twins. We’ll return for #CCCNYR, #CXNats, and of course #Louisville2013. Be naughty, loves, nice is no fun at all. 

Through an unpredictable combination of circumstance and misfortune, we at BDIPC have been away from the traveling circus we so enjoy witnessing in the flesh. And with the untimely demise of CyclingDirt as we knew and loved it, we were bereft, heartbroken, marooned in our ivory tower, reduced to merely imagining the Dudes we love so well engaged in balls-out sprints to the line. But imagining the filthy shenanigans taking place last weekend at CXLA and SSCXWC, well, it felt like watching a movie…ripped from a VHS tape…over a wireless connection stolen from a house halfway down the block. Sure, it got the job done, but that’s hardly a ringing endorsement. In any case, the arrival of this year’s SSCXWC immediately put us in mind of this unforgettable photo: 

And we were off to the races. See, we at BDIPC make no secret of our love for the tall and slender Dude, so to have neglected Barry Wicks for so long is inexcusable. In fact, he himself claims to be “here for your pleasure”, and on that count, he’s never let us down. Despite his stature, one hears the enthusiastic reactions that herald his comin’ before one actually sees him. Perhaps it’s his experience: After all, he’s been working the MTB and CX circuits for well over a decade. Or maybe it’s his consistency: He may not always be a podium contender, but Barry never fails to get the job done. He wants you to enjoy yourself, and what’s not to enjoy? Barry hits all the right spots: Enthusiasm, consistency, and experience. But if you find no Bangability in Barry’s skills on the downhills, surely we can agree on this: He certainly appears to drives a hard bargain.

This weekend, the circus travels from steamy SoCal to the ever-hilariously named Bend, Oregon for the final round of the legendary USGP series. And though we at BDIPC are disappointed that our weekend’s travels won’t be sending us toward that fondly-remembered direction, we don’t need boots on the ground to know that Barry will be taking care of business. We’ve already imagined him dismounting with a smile on his face and a spring in his step that radiates all the way up to that mop-top with, of course, a stop along the way - boing! But if, perchance, you happen to spot Barry without a grin on that handsome face of his, we trust that you’ll be up for the kind of job that’ll light Wicks right back up. Stay gold, babies. 

Lately, the mood at HQ has been rather subdued. The girls and I have spent the last two weeks listlessly looking at one another, reading, re-reading. Thinking. We’ve tried to goad each other into innuendo or entendre (single or double) or even a simple “That’s what she said!”, but to no avail.

Trying to find the bright spot in cycling these days is like attempting to locate the
G-spot, and everyone from your mother to the postman has an opinion. Legions of faithful believers swear it’s there. Others think there may be something to the concept but perhaps a bit more…research is in order. And of course, there are those who’ve just been waiting for the chance to call you a damned fool for believing it existed in the first place. 

Though it’s true that getting onto the podium is one of the more effective ways of getting onto BDIPC’s radar, Bangability is not solely calculated by how many times a Dude stands atop the rostrum. It is measured also by the depth of his integrity, the ways in which he demonstrates good sportsmanship, and the respect he is regarded with among both the fans and his peers. These qualities are what defines not only Bangability, but lie at the very heart of the sport we so love. 

We walk away from the last two weeks surrounded by asterisks, which I will never be able to disassociate from Kurt Vonnegut’s doodle of his asshole. Le mot juste, non? Especially since all of this has felt just like hearing “Oops! Wrong hole,” from a Dude who knew exactly what he was doing. We can name very few types of Dudes less Bangable than a Dude who bullies, cheats, and manipulates his way to…well, wherever he wants. It’s practically enough to make us go full Lysistrata. 

No matter the venue, we at BDIPC are uninterested in Dudes who cannot perform without enhancement. Much like faking an orgasm, a doped win teaches a Dude nothing about what it really takes to pull it off. Let us leave the bitter, heavy past behind and carry with us all we know now. It’s time for a new direction in professional cycling.

Onward, my loves, and hopefully, inward upward.