bangable dudes in pro cycling

As we do each morning, the girls of BDIPC gathered at HQ Wednesday to leer at watch the 17th stage of the Giro d’Italia. We love a true mountain stage, as there is nothing quite like a Category 1 climb or two to separate the Dudes from the dudes. But even though summit finishes prove to us who knows how best to get (it) up, the descents show us the Dudes who know that going down with skill is just as, if not more important than, being the fastest Dude to cross the line. We tuned in just as the pack was descending the Passo Duran, we watched the peloton split as they ascended the Forcella, and as they hit the foot of the Passo Giau, six Dudes pulled away from the shattered peloton. And from these six, the victor of the 2012 Giro d’Italia will come. Here’s what BDIPC thinks of each of these Dudes ending up in the pink. 

According to legend, during a training camp, Joachim Rodriguez passed his then-teammates with ease on a difficult climb. For a normal Dude, this would be proof enough of his alpha-Dude status, but Rodriguez is no ordinary Dude. As he passed them, he mimed smoking a tiny cigar. This gesture earned him the nickname ‘Purito’, the Spanish term for a little cigar. But really, with the way he climbs? We’re willing to bet there’s nothing little about his cigar. 

They say you’re never fully dressed without a smile, but BDIPC thinks Ivan Basso would look best wearing only a smile. And as he put the hammer down at the foot of the Giau, he smiled. As he ascended at a relentless pace, the smile never left his face. In fact, Basso smiled all the way up. And you must know how much BDIPC loves a Dude who looks like he’s having the time of his life as he pounds his way to the finish, yes?

Ryder Hesjedal made history early in the Giro by becoming the first Canadian in pink in the history of the Giro. And if we have anything to say about it, he’ll be the first Canadian in the history of BDIPC to get into pink, too. 

Currently wearing the white jersey, at 25 years of age Rigoberto Urán had only this final year to nail down the Giro’s young rider classification. And barring massive misfortune, he looks to have indeed nailed it, which is spectacular news! Because now, next season, BDIPC will be able to crack jokes about nailing him without feeling overly lecherous. Hey. Hey. We said overly. 

The de facto winner of the 2011 Giro d’Italia, Michele Scarponi also won the Giro’s points classification last year. And if that means we’ll have to unzip two jerseys to get his gold medallion swingin’ in our faces, so be it. Honestly, have you heard his speaking voice? Perhaps it’s the melodiousness of the Italian tongue, but we watched one of his interviews and before we knew it, HQ was alive with the girls of BDIPC’s voices saying “I bet-a he’s got a-spicy saus-saaage!”

And last, but certainly not least, we have Domenico Pozzovivo. At a mere 5’5”, he was born to be a climber. Pozzovivo may not have been a grow-er, but BDIPC knows the champagne don’t lie: This Dude’s quite the show-er.

See you next week with another Guest Post. We have a feeling it’ll be dirty in all the best ways! Meanwhile, tomorrow’s return to the Stelvio promises to be a long, steady grind, which is just the kind we’re craving on a Saturday morning here at HQ. ENJOY! 

Today at BDIPC, we bring you guest author and BDIPC soul sister Lesli Cohen, Editor in Chief of the ever-sexy snarksters over at Cyclismas. Lesli rules with an iron red pen, and has her hands full wrangling the merry band of misfits who tickle our funny bones (along with some less accessible areas, if you know what we mean) on Twitter and the pages of their site. Lesli is also an accomplished equestrienne, which makes her a leading authority on all things rideable, no matter the saddle. 

So without further ado, let’s dive into the meat and potatoes of Lesli’s chosen Dude. 

 

Listen, ladies, I know there’s a significant percentage of the BDIPC fanbase out there who are of a particular vintage, and have a yearning for Dudes with a certain road-worn experience – men who, like fine wine, have aged to perfection. That’s right, you know where I’m going with this, and it’s right to the BMC team car and into the driver seat with the deliciously-ripened glass of grapes that is Max Sciandri.

Pour me another glass of Max Sciandri (photo by Robert Bettini)

Max is the Assistant Director Sportif of the BMC squad, where he’s charged with scouting new talent and mentoring the younger riders on the team – including BDIPC’s favorite dominating Dude in Giro pink AND white, Taylor Phinney. We wouldn’t mind a little dominating by Max ourselves, or a sticky bidon or two from the Italian stallion who hails from Derby in England.

Someone to watch over me? (Photo: BMC/Tim de Waele)

Back in the day when he wasn’t making the ladies swoon with his Bangably swarthy good looks on the bike, Max threw it all down on the pavement with palmarès galore, having won three stages at the Giro alone. This Anglo-Italian stallion with the purring motor is welcome anytime to throw down the ladies, too, for a little off-bike argy-bargy, if you know what I mean.

During his storied career, which peaked in the nineties when he won a bronze medal at the 1996 Olympic Games for Team Great Britain, the sizzling Sciandri was a mighty force to be reckoned with. When his suitably splendid form, ahem, on the bike came to its logical transition point with Team CSC in 2004, Max moved to a mentorship role, sharing his wisdom and experience with the lads at the British Cycling Academy. From there he moved to BMC, where this perfect specimen of vintage cycling manflesh now guides the likes of the aformentioned Phinney, Tejay van Garderen, and Tim Roe.

So join me in raising a glass to this perfect specimen of vintage virility, the finest staff at BMC, and my choice of deliciously Bangable dish. Grazie mille, Max!

We at BDIPC had our, ahem, hands full last Friday night and overslept the entire Giro d’Italia individual time trial. And though we do regret that, we were delighted to wake up to Taylor Phinney in the pink. While we expected something big from him sooner or later, to have him on top so soon was a welcome surprise. We spent the next two days shamelessly ogling him: Taylor just looks so damn good in pink, yes? 

A descendant of American cycling royalty, Taylor was born to absolutely dominate every other Dude on the road, track, and after his trip through the grass during the team time trial yesterday, perhaps the cyclocross parcours, too. Thrust into the spotlight as a junior, he wasn’t at all shy about showing off his massive talent. His first major racing results were taking both the Junior World Time Trial and National Track Pursuit titles in 2007. A slew of National and World titles in the seasons following proved that Taylor isn’t the type to hit it and quit it. You see, when some Dudes turn pro, they get cocky. Bragging about being pro without the results to back it up seems to be the cycling world’s equivalent of buying a reeeally big truck, ifyouknowwhatwemean. 

And the girls of BDIPC are a selective, contradictory bunch. While we love a big mouth, we loathe having to explain away a Dude’s public tantrums. And though we enjoy a winning Dude, we can’t stand a Dude who isn’t down to finish it if he’s not the one coming in first. Perhaps that’s why we find Taylor so Bangable. You see, not only does he handle the media attention that his frequent victories attract with panache, he uses the top step of the podium he’s so often found upon as a platform to spread the word about the Davis Phinney Foundation, a cause close to his heart. And you know well how much we love a tall Dude with a big…heart, don’t you? 

We know that it’s a lot to ask after Tuesday’s massive sprint-finish crash in Horsens, but we at BDIPC would happily commit to a plethora of activities that would lead to us sleeping through another weekend stage if it meant that we’d wake to you in the pink again. Really, Taylor, if there’s anything–anything at all–we can do for you, just ask. We bet your manners are flawless, and we love a Dude who says per favore. After all, we’ve got favors for days, and you know we’d bend over backwards to see you on top again. 

We at BDIPC know well how much you enjoy our staff. In fact, we receive near-daily compliments on our staff, and we never tire of hearing how much you enjoy our talents and skills. And before we go any further, the staff of BDIPC would like to reassure you that our staff is as strong as ever. United we stand, and how! Boing!

But there comes a time in every relationship where one wonders if there’s something she’s missing. If there’s any way to, say, enhance one’s staff. And whether it’s via purchase, proposition, or phantasm, you know that we at BDIPC are so into it. 

By several strokes of good fortune, we have been lucky enough to become acquainted with some of cycling’s finest and funniest writers, journalists, photographers, and riders. BDIPC reached out to an ample handful of our favorite women in media, and we were increasingly excited as we heard “Yes!” after “Yes!” after “Oh, yes!” 

Today, we at BDIPC are proud to introduce to you our first guest poster. A woman after our collective heart, we look forward to seeing how My Wife Inc. goes about working high heels, sequins, gold lamé, and white lycra into Alyssa Severn’s kit for the upcoming CX season. With her long-lever legs and massive motor, we weren’t surprised in the least when she placed SECOND in the WORLD at Masters Worlds 2012 in Louisville in just her second season of racing. She holds a master’s degree in Applied English Linguistics, and works her word-wizardry with alarming skill on both Tiny Tin Bird and Twitter. You can’t help but notice that Alyssa masters just about everything she gets her hands on, and BDIPC is so excited that she’s got her hands all over us today. Enjoy! 

BDIPC’s Inaugural Guest Post, by the amazing Alyssa Severn of My Wife Inc.

You know, it’s hard to know just how to say this, so let’s just put it out there right off the bat. Around here at BDIPC we love a good hump. So how pumped are we for the abundance of humps that will commence on Saturday with the prologue of our favorite stage race with a solid hump–our bad–we mean, mountain classification? That’s right, it’s Giro D’Italia time! 

We can get down with an exciting sprint finish like San Remo’s or the mass mayhem of the Paris-Roubaix, but you know, all that rubbin’ in tight spaces and bumpin’ on stones can wear even us out. So without further ado, let’s get all piano on this and slow it down a bit. You know, just sit down and get into a nice steady rhythm as we work to get to the climax of those mountaintops all the way from Herning to Milan. Yep, just put those hands on the flats and scootch that booty back a bit. Umm hmm you got it. Just like that.

You know the saying ‘Good things come in Australian-born, lycra-clad packages’, right? Thought so. Well, we know that saying too. And that’s just the kind of package we’re talking about this week at BDIPC headquarters.

That’s right—that coy, Australian mega-hunk of a man, Allan Davis, part of the Orica-GreenEDGE team. Yeah, that package. We want to be that hand. That one. Right there.



Yeah sure, there are going to be some big packages, our bad, guns, showing up at the Giro to flex their muscle, but we’re putting our money on the guy who you can’t even bet on. He’s an underdog, no doubt about it. But we like to root for the underdog sometimes. Just like the guy who waits for the dumbass to stop grinding up against you on the dance floor before coming over and politely introducing himself. We like that guy.

Our boy Allan’s a sprinter and we love us some argy bargy attitude all right. The sheer power of those thighs, the predilection to get a little rough, the finesse to move at just the right time. In just the right way. That’s right, Allan, just like the toothless old guy at the bus stop says in the morning: Damn, we like the way you move that.

But we also love a complicated man, and here’s why we’re putting our booty pats all on him. He’s a sprinter, but homeboy can climb a mountain if he has to. Just like he did in 2007 at the Tour of Qinghai Lake. We’re looking for big things from him. Actually, huge. We see you there, Allan, contemplating that.



But, as always, what we really love to see is a big finish. So however you want to play that, lil’ kangaroo, you go right ahead. Because we know, that you know, just what to do.

Yep, wiggle it. Okay, just a little bit.

Oop. There we go.

Mathias Frank may have slipped off the GC podium at the Giro Del Trentino today, but, uh, it wasn’t the podium that was slippery at BDIPC HQ yesterday. 

The BDIPC Ardennes Week wrap-up is forthcoming. Wait for it…waaait for it…

Since we at BDIPC are feeling a bit sore, we can only assume that everyone else has also gotten more than enough Boonen for the time being. So instead of covering Paris-Roubaix, we’re focusing on a slightly lower-profile event: Brabantse Pijl. The last of the Flemish Classics, Brabantse Pijl is the ‘everything-but’ between Paris-Roubaix and the kickoff of Ardennes Week at Amstel Gold. And similar to ‘everything-but’ we feel it’s a highly undervalued experience. Thankfully, Sporza likes to watch, if you know what we mean, and Thomas Voeckler’s breakaway victory gave Sporza’s cameraDudes ample opportunity to highlight Thomas’ extremely talented tongue. Observe:

Something must be said about a man who grows into his talents. Though Voeckler enjoyed a handful of wins prior to last season, he definitively came into his own in 2011. He most notably held the maillot jaune for nine stages of the Tour de France in addition to winning both Dunkirk and the Tour de Haut Var. Unlike the majority of the Dudes in the peloton, Voeckler’s stroke is best described as…thrusty. Appropriate! He, well, he really pumps it. But when we get down to it, the thing that really puts us on the top step of the podium, so to speak, is a Dude’s skilled and talented use of his tongue. And if there’s one thing that Voeckler does really, really well, it’s use his tongue. Again:

Much like the Dude on the street who, in lieu of talking to you just wags his tongue in your direction, we were initially quite put off. But upon further consideration, we realized that a Dude who isn’t shy about publicizing his oral fixation is a rare find indeed. And truthfully, once we’ve gotten ours, we’ll happily overlook an overly enthusiastic stroke. So Thomas, if you’re willing to lick-lick-lick-lick us from our heads to our toes, we’ll be pleased to move from the bed down to the-down to the-to the floor. Just make it so good we won’t wanna leave, because you already know what’s our fantasy…!

If we’d had half a brain, we would have done Money Shot Monday with Marcel Kittel, but just looking at him reduces BDIPC’s collective IQ by at least fifty points. It’s gotten so bad that we can’t even look at his photos while we write. We might as well: The mental images on their own are more than enough to reduce us to our limbic core. But when we get down to business, all we really need are our most basic instincts. Because we’re not here to analyze why we want it; we just want it. 

Yesterday, Marcel won the crash-plagued mass sprint at Scheldeprijs in the pouring rain, proving to us that he not only knows how to handle himself under the slipperiest of conditions, but he also knows how to keep himself out of trouble. The latter came as no surprise to us, what with his proficiency with the spray n’ pray. Observe, if you will, the sheer volume. Not to mention the Skil(l)! And just have a look at those pleased-as-punch podium girls. Yes, indeed: Marcel pops it with panache. 

Now, knowing that Marcel comes correct with the champagne would be worthless if we didn’t feel certain he wasn’t writing checks his ass couldn’t cash. Thankfully, that white kit leaves little to the imagination, especially when soaking wet and stretched to its limits. So Marcel, when finally the girls of BDIPC make it to the WorldTour podiums, know this: We’re all for your podium politesse, but there’s nothing we like better than getting a true gentleman to let loose. And for the record, we won’t be mad if you get it on our dresses. Or on our faces, for that matter. Let’s shake it up, baby! 

BDIPC would take a moment to further explain our absence, but let’s be honest: You don’t really care, and we’re not the kind of girls who kiss and tell. We’ve been absolutely overwhelmed with the embarrassment of riches that the road season provides us. Like children in a candy store, we’ve been frozen in place trying to decide what we most want to shove into our mouths first. Our cups runneth over with Bangability, and it’s getting messy over here at HQ. But instead of giving you a handful of half-assed quickies, we decided to focus our talents precisely where they shine the brightest: On one very deserving Dude. Besides, you know us. Phoning it in really isn’t our style. 

Speaking of phoning it in, Mario Cipollini has been ringing the Gazzetta’s telefono right off the hook, adding his commentary on whichever race is currently running. Yes, the Lion King himself was all over Strade Bianche, Milan-San Remo, and the Tirreno-Adriatico like baby oil on a Speedo: It comes with the territory, but its greasy seepage in the direction of one’s goods is never entirely welcome. But by the time we were aware that it was indeed Cipo’s voice that had wormed its way into our heads, it was too late. 

A man like Mario is never satisfied with aural stimulation alone. No, he’s the kind of guy who needs a hands-on experience. And in keeping with his irresistibly greasy vibe, he’ll want to get it all on tape. So when we saw this video, we were surprised to feel a connection. Much like BDIPC finding the, ahem, single candy bar we wanted to stuff into our mouths over and over and over, Cipo seems to have found his favorite treats, too. Here, finally, is the thing he’s willing to get behind, the thing he’s willing to tweak and adjust and masssage until it’s juuust so. There will be no half-assery on this team, no, sir; Cipollini’s team gives the entire ass, goddammit.

If it’s true that art imitates life, the most telling bit of the video is the money shot: Cipo just cannot let a woman come over the line before he does. For this and so many other reasons, BDIPC is at an absolute loss when it comes to explaining exactly why Mario remains on our To-Do list. But the loins heart wants what it wants, and we’ve wasted enough time screening our calls. You can ring our bell, Mario. Al telefono o in carne e ossa. 

As we approach the first of the Monuments, BDIPC would like to take a moment to acknowledge the tender, oft-neglected parts of the Dude. The parts we greet and treat like a pair of long-lost cousins: We’re always glad to see them, but we’re not quite sure what to do with them. Today, we pay tribute to the parts of the Dude without which there would be no Monument, so to speak. And once we get going on the Monuments, we find it near-impossible to get it all back in hand. In fact, one could say that we’re absolutely (Alessandro) Ballan out of control. Appropriate, no? 

The most famous testicle in professional cycling may belong to Armstrong, but if you’re looking for a man with a real pair of (cobble)stones, you’re looking for Alessandro Ballan. Surprisingly versatile, the 2008 World Road Race Champion does it all, bagging both stage race overalls and single-day Classics with style. Narrowly missing the Strade Bianche podium, 2012 has opened with quite a bang for Ballan. With BMC teammates Philippe Gilbert planning his peak around the Olympics and TdF, Greg van Avermaet’s recent issues with blowing up a bit prematurely, and Thor’s fever, Ballan’s performance is the one we’re most hotly anticipating this weekend. And after years of giving him the shaft, BDIPC hopes Milan-San Remo is ready to give Ballan the attention he so deserves. 

BDIPC HQ goes mobile this weekend, and we will be following all the action at Milan-San Remo with a bit of our own. E3 Harelbeke is up next, and you know all about the soft, warm spot we have for Belgium, don’t you? See you next Thursday.

Yes, BDIPC is still adjusting to the sheer size of the road season. It takes a while to acclimate, you know. And just like anything new and large, the temptation is often to get as much as possible as quickly as you can. But this isn’t our first, um, road season, and we’ve long ago learned to pace ourselves. We were, though, briefly struggling with juggling Paris-Nice and Tirreno-Adriatico. But keeping those balls in the air became pure pleasure when we spotted Pippo Pozzato on the Tirreno-Adriatico startlist. 



Now, if you think back to the very beginnings of BDIPC, you may recall that we kicked things off with the legendary Mario Cipollini. We find there’s something in the hair gel and rolled kit that makes us think “Could Pippo be the Second Coming?” And oh, the bravado of Pozzato! The girls of BDIPC are total suckers for Dudes who make questionable decisions, and we can’t think of a more questionable decision than riding Omloop just over two weeks after breaking a collarbone in Qatar. And solely on the strength of said collarbone, we find ourselves more than a little interested in finding out how his other bones hold up under pressure. 



If you can’t get enough Pippo, please join BDIPC in tipping our collective hat to the Pippotorium, which is your definitive source for all things Pozzato. Cincin, Ms. Rose! Next up for BDIPC: We are literally trembling with anticipation for Milan-San Remo. Look for our preview next Thursday.